just an idea.

paper.scissors.frock.


its just an idea.
just an expression.
a simple figment of imagination.

this picture describes exactly how I feel.
i feel failed,
i feel abandoned,
i feel like a caged animal,
sedated from the world,
with chains around my wings,
held back,
by my own, 
whatever,
life doesn't matter, 
basically this is life:
we work hard in high school to get to college,
we work hard in college to get a good job,
we work hard at work to make money,
and then, what happens?
WE DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
what a wonderful cycle of this beautiful life.
its amazing.
how about we skip all that hard work and just die. that sounds a lot more pleasant to me...
i mean honestly...


WHAT IS THE POINT? 
to be happy? no, thats not possible, thats only for a select few.
to help others? no, the ones who want to help others are the poorest ones, they suffer the most.
to follow dreams? no, apparently that only happens in disney movies and hollywood.
so then i guess its final, we should all sit around and wait for Jesus to come back.


so i guess all of my creativity will be going to waste,
i am preparing for a life of unhappiness, unless God hits me with this amazing gift and talent and opportunity, thats it.


NO. I CANT WRAP MY MIND AROUND SITTING HERE AND ALLOWING IT.
I FEEL LIKE I AM FAILING MYSELF, GOD, AND BEING A LITTLE WEAK BABY.




I AM A LITTLE WEAK BABY.
I CANT HANDLE ANYTHING.


A STUPID PEOPLE PLEASER.
since when does my opinion matter? it never did, it never was meant to.
I never had a choice, it was just false security and hope. there is no hope.


darkness.


whatever. even now I am worrying over nothing.


SO HERE IS MY PLAN:


I am just going to go to lakewood and wait for Jesus to come back, because frankly, that is all that matters.


God bless you.

ignore the rest.

hmmm, i have been such a girl for the past week or so.

and had an adventurous week as well.

but i must say that my procrastination and laziness is going to get me into a lot of trouble. and my, it already has.

i need to work on that.

so, i hung with two silly guys on monday after school.

then i hung out with my best friend wendy after school today and i shot her senior pictures.

<< she is pure greatness.

anywho:

prom is next weekend. i feel sick. :/

and i WONT go into details.

aand,

i will no longer walk the miserable halls of AHS, i will graduate in exactly one month.

i feel happy.

but other than that, life is life.

okay. one more for you:

.

just a stupid poem

eyes clouded over with the block from your gaze
it never was there until it looked at me right in the face
i want it to be the other
but i only see him
just take them both away from me
a new slate, starting thin
this is just a stupid poem i wrote in the middle of the night
my soul awakened by the thirst of your delight
shes sleeping
come find me
the constant battle ensues
when will i realize that the best thing i had was you shoes?